When Someone You Love……..
This was written with a teenager/parent relationship question, but also applies to adult relationships. When Someone You Love……..
When a loved one lies, cheats or steals from you, what do you do? When you feel betrayed and hurt, what do you do? When you feel abused, confused and misused, what do you say? When you feel scared and anxious about other’s choices, how do you respond?
Where there are values differences, there is a simply step by step process to find inner peace. There values differences when others are choosing behaviors that you disagree with. There are values differences when loved ones break their agreements both spoken and implied. There are values differences when others have the power to choose their own path different from yours.
Conflict and pain comes when you disagree with their choices and are upset by them. Separation occurs when you cannot or will not see through their eyes to understand their choices. Guilt occurs when you believe you have erred in miscommunicating or limiting your love. Resentment occurs when you believe the other has intended to hurt or betray you.
These areas have many complexities depending on the situation and the relationship. If we do not trust and free others, they will often resent, resist and rebel. If we do not allow others to grow by making their own mistakes, they will resent our interference and control. If we do you keep communication open by criticizing, warning, judging and not listening, others will stop being honest with us.
Values conflicts can be ameliorated with four steps: (Designed to return to peace and Love.)
1) State your opinion (value) one time only with the same emotional energy as you feel it. “I feel hurt and scared when you ………… and I want you to be safe and to trust me.” Then listen with no defense, emotional feedback, simply listen. Give the other a safe non-judgmental space to tell their truth.
2) Model the behavior or value you want to encourage. (Impeccability is unusual so acknowledge your errors.)
3) Research all sides of the issue, so you can be a credible consultant. Statistics, current values, risks, etc
4) Pray for Peace. Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the courage to change the things I can, the patience to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.” Values are loosely taught and modeled at this time. Usually we are so busy judging, we forget to model and communicate honestly without blame. Often we are so offended and condemning, we forget to listen and love. Many times, we have forgotten our own errors and attacks and we fail to take responsibility.
There may be an attitude of ingratitude that pervades our relationship. When someone feels mistrusted, unloved, devalued and judged, they may feel separate and defended. It is our work, the most conscious one, to forgive ourselves and choose again. Our choice must be to love, respect and trust ourselves and to love, respect and trust others.
Trust means not to trust others to do as we say, but rather trust them to do what is right for them. We are not here to get conformity, obedience or even holding the same values, but rather to free others to find their own highest and best way to live, to love, to learn and to give to their world. When we live our own truth, and are happy and on purpose, we stop minding others business. We learn that truly Love is Trust and Freedom.
Loving you, Betty Lue
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