Being Truly Helpful

Is it helpful to let someone lie, cheat or steal? Is it helpful to let someone do harm? Is it helpful to help someone continue hurting themselves? Is it helpful to let someone be disrespectful to you?

No, we know this is not good for the other or for ourselves. How often do caregivers and co-dependents avoid confrontation? How much do the over givers keep on giving hoping the other will change? How often do the pleasers and “nice” guys try never to be angry or confront someone with boundaries?

When we imagine others have similar values and attitudes, we make up they will respond as we would. When we are afraid being assertive will cause others to attack us, we may avoid setting rules. When we believe others do no behave appropriately because they don’t have enough love, we may try to make up for their past. When we are unwilling to see what the other is telling us with their behavior, we cannot respond appropriately.

Trust what you see from another is their current state of mind, belief, ability and choice. Trust that what others tell you is what they believe is best to say or do to get their needs met. Trust others, who have not met their own needs (safety, security, belonging and achievement), cannot be expected to meet ours. Trust when you are trying to help someone, you must first know if they want help and what help they are seek.

When you give help to anyone, they will either value it or devalue it according to your implied interpersonal contract. If you give help as a handout, it will be valued differently than when you help someone as an exchange. If you reach out with help, value the one in need, the help given and yourself equally. Remember that everyone is equally important, so make sure you help without sacrifice to yourself.

Being truly helpful requires great care and attention to the response of the recipient. Being truly helpful asks us to look at our intention in giving the help. Being truly helpful suggests that we have assesses the other is really in need or even helpless. Being truly helpful demands that we listen to the other and within to ourselves to know what is best.

Strengthen the strong by appreciating and valuing their ability. Strengthen the weakened by encouraging them to learn to be strong and capable. Strengthen yourself by valuing and appreciating your ability and willingness to give. Strengthen yourself by knowing how and when and with whom to be truly helpful.

Offer help without judgment, attachment or conditions, “How may I help you?: Respect the answer you receive. Appreciate and receive all you give.

Loving you in letting go of co-dependence and modeling independence and self-actualization,

Betty Lue

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