Stating the Obvious

Simple Communication Reminders

Listen first…..before you speak. Listen to the message under the words you hear. Ask yourself: “What are they really trying to say? What do they want or need to hear right now?” Take time to reflect, before you blurt out a reactive response. Your work is to remember to be kind and respectful.

First, understand the other. You cannot hear another if you are thinking about what you are going to say. Stop, look at the situation; then listen outside and inside before you respond. Respond to what is really needed not to what is being said. Remember that often others need to speak and be heard before they clarify what they want. Trying to be right or “fix” the apparent problem creates resistance in the other.

Respond with clarity, simplicity and respect. Your opinions are often not wanted or appreciated, so save them for those who care. Usually the response will be to let the other know they are being heard and you care. Think first about what you would want to hear if you were in their shoes. If you are unsure about what is wanted or needed, ask directly: “What would you like from me?”

Treat others as equals, no matter what their age or ability. Communicate on eye level, without a sense of confrontation. Usually you get cues about what works: side by side, walking, sitting, facing the same direction? Watch to see if you are really receiving their message. If you don’t have time to listen or have a time limit, let them know up front. Don’t pretend to be there and let you attention wander.

Let people know when you are unavailable. Respect your time. If interrupted by someone’s need, respond with : “This is not a good time and can we talk in 5 minutes or later this eve?” Or “This is a good time to talk: I have about 15 minutes.” Teach respect for yourself and your time, by letting others know directly. If you let yourself be interrupted, you teach others they can disrespect you and your time.

Speak to people neutrally from an adult and not reactive position. If you cannot talk without arguing or raising your voice or demanding, do not talk. Go take care of your own reactivity privately. (Write in a journal or work it out with a listening pillow.) Dumping your toxic material on others only causes distance, fear and emotional pain. If you want to be treated with respect as an adult, treat others with respect first. We are teaching others with our behavior.

The more patient, forgiving and compassionate we are with ourselves, the more we are with others. Give yourself credit for every small positive change. Forgive every unconscious mistake. Be patient with your forgetting how to really love, trust and free others to learn in their own way. Give others the opportunity to learn by having their own experience without interfering unless asked. Remember when we are emotional, we usually cannot think of others and express ourselves ineffectively.

Functional Communication: “I feel….I want……I am willing…….” To elicit a response effectively, begin by disclosing yourself. Then ask the other for their response. To receive an authentic response, yours must be respectful and real. The other must feel safe and trust you will not argue with them, but receive their communication with a “Thank you. I hear you.”

Take responsibility for your perceptions, your feelings, your opinions and your fears. Stop acting and sounding like you are RIGHT. Being righteous about your opinion only creates defensiveness and arguments. There is no need to push your opinion where there is respect and understanding. If you want to be happy in your relationships, stop all attempts to be right.

More later, stating the obvious. Please feel free to question, or give me your feedback. I am learning from you and everyone all the time.

Dear Friends, I recognize these times are difficult and stressful for so many of you and I want to help!

For vets and their families: I am offering, free counseling and coaching to veterans and their families. Appointments can be by phone or in my Pleasant Hill office. You may give a contribution to Reunion Ministries if you wish. If you know of anyone who might benefit, invite them to contact me at 800-919-2392 *********************************************************************** For all who are experiencing financial stress: I am offering shorter sessions for those needing brief reminders and support. 15 minutes for $25. 30 minutes for $50. Most of our work is done efficiently when are clear on your goal. I will give you a simple outline of how to clarify your situation and request before we talk. ***************************************************************** The services through Reunion Ministries and Creative Solutions are open for all. We will never turn anyone away for inability to pay. Betty Lue ********************************************************************

Loving you, Betty Lue

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