Responsible Relationships

“I want him (or whoever loves me) to see that being with me is a good thing! He seems to have a lot of sadness about being with me--what's that about? Any clues? It still hurts that his decision was to leave. I want to focus on the love we have for each other. All problems to me are solvable if we want them to be! I know I'm loving and worthy of love and so is he I know that even if he loves me, he may not want to be my partner in a committed relationship."

Have you been left? Are you feeling a valued relationship is over? Are you stuck in the dilemma of who to blame, them or me? Are you feeling lost and afraid, confused about what went wrong?

When we feel like a victim in a relationship, having been rejected or abandoned, we often profess and protect our innocence. The customary response is to defend oneself and feel enormous grief.

To have a successful relationship, we must take total responsibility. When we are angry, blaming, guilty, fearful, jealous and upset, we are unable to respond apopropriately. We cannot change or fix or correct another's behavior. We can only look at and heal our own. We are not responsible for what others do or think or create. We are totally responsible for what we think and do and say.

When we want to learn, to heal, to undo everything that is not true and whole and loving, we can look. When we are willing to do the work to forgive ourselves and the others, we can free our fears. When we let go of myths and fantasies and wishful thinking, we can get real and heal what we feel. When we trust there is good in everyone and every relationship, we can see clearly the lesson and gifts.

The five keys to successful relationships are joining in a common goal or purpose, total honesty without withhold or deception, equality in giving and receiving (giving only our best), commitment to what is for the highest good of both without demanding, threatening or hanging on, and full responsibility for the quality of the relationship, ability to respond to what is without guilt or blame.

When we are laying blame on another, we are attacking. When attacked, most people will defend or go away. When attacking, most people will fear and feel vulnerable to being attacked and become defensive.

When there are hurt feelings, there is a tendency to make the other feel responsible. When women are unhappy, they usually blame the man. When they blame their man, he usually feels responsible, guilty and withdraws or projects blame back onto the woman. Each party is responsible for their own happiness. If you are unhappy, consider taking total responsibility for your feelings.

Consider handling your feelings privately unless you get permission from the other to share. Consider when you dump your unhealed stuff on your partner, they don't have a clue about what to do. Consider that the implication they caused your problem, might be an indication that you don't trust them. Consider that you might be teaching your relationship partner that they are not good for you. Consider when someone loves you, they will go away, stop talking, withdraw, so they don't hurt you. Consider the possibility you may have been left, because you taught the other person with thoughts, words or deeds that you wanted them to go. "Leave me alone!" Consider that the whole relationship dilolemma is a wakeup call and an opportunity to totally transform your thinking and behavior.

Food for thought. Betty Lue

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